I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
