You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
