Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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