hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
