Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
