I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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