the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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