Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why do cheetos always look like penises
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
