He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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