I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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