dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize