You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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