i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
