...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
