So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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