I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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