So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
