somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
