On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
