So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
