I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
zippers are such a cool invention
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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