I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
