everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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