I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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