I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize