I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
