i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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