awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
