guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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