you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You left your phone here
Wait...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
