my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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