Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
