dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
