Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize