I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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