Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
