It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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