Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
