I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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