hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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