I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
