when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
