dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
