hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
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Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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