If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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