Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
