Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
