Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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