Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
