You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
