Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
