go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Who did Billy Mays play for?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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