I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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