He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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