He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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