Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
