i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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