Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
